Tips on dealing with Depression

I feel like I've become somewhat of an expert when it comes to depression. Why, be modest? If they were giving out degrees in depression and self-loathing, I think I'd have at least a doctorate by now. So as a public service announcement to all the socially-awkward depression-phobes out there, I have compiled a list of tips, how-tos, and general pointers for dealing with your favorite freaks living on the edge of sanity. (NO EXCUSES!)

1. When it comes to spilling your guts out, it is less than thrilling when your heart-wretching story is returned with something completely non sequitor or mundane.
ME: "I can't beleive me broke my heart, stole my money, kicked me in the back and ate my potatoe chips!"
YOU: "What a jerk!... I wonder what Britney and Kevin will name their Baby?"

2. Never return a soul-bearing confession with your own.. Save it for another time and place.
ME: "I just stole 3 CDs from him and slashed his tires and gave his cat away."
YOU: "I served my sister meat and told her it was tofu!"

3. Don't be scared of the depression. Embrace it. There's nothing worse than finally gathering the courage to finally spill all your fears and regrets to someone, and then having them turn all nervous and twitchy and and awkward. This makes depression turn to annoyance. And annoyance turns to anger fast. Real fast.
ME: " I had such a bad day..."
YOU: " Yeah. That's too bad........... Okay this is a little to intense for me...... I have to go."

4. When you come across a random teary outburst, don't panic. Wait for cues from said cryer. If she laughs, you laugh. If she doesn't, don't.

5. When someone is crying, don't pat their shoulder or try to give them a half hug. Half hugs make no sense. Wait till she's done crying and then give her a real hug. Pats on the shoulder are no good either. They feel so, like pedophile-ish. Try the steadfast backrub or hair stroking. Both are effectual and not sleazy and don't overshadow the outburst itself.

That's all I can think of right now. So my civic duty is fullfilled for now. I expect to see all the depressed sharing their pity parties in peace from now on...