Somebody please help Britney Spears!

What can I say about my girl, Britney? Obviously, something is not right. Obviously she is unhappy. Obviously she is crying out for attention. I choose to believe, and jab and joust me if you must, but in my heart of hearts I believe that this is just a phase. Postpartum depression, maybe? A drug problem? Probably. Maybe she is a lesbian. Okay, that would be weird. But if she needs to gyrate naked with bull dykes and shave her head to be comfortable and happy, so be it. You hear that, Britney, be a part-time lesbian if that is what you want! ( I can’t fathom the notion that she is a full-fledged lesbian; that is just too weird. She was like the iconic teen dream for like 5 years!) Just work though all your shite Brit Brit and please come through on the other side as happy and not so…messy.

I think she is in desperate need of help. Where are all her celebrity friends, now? Justin? Madonna? K-Fed? Even Paris bailed on the sinking ship that is Britney Spears. She needs some real friends and family and fans to pull her back from the brink and get her the help she needs.

It seems like she has delved from reality and gotten lost in the camera flashes and stalkerazzi. As an amateur psychologist with a deep connection to the real Britney Spears, I would say she is showing clear signs of Michael Jackson Syndrome, or MJS. She is detached from her public persona and is unable to understand why people are incensed and worried by her recent actions. She views her actions as unreal and doesn’t fathom the consequences. This is usually brought on my super-stardom ( see orginal diagnosis Michael Jackson and later diagnosis Whitney Houston); a loss of personal connection to loved ones and family members (see Michael Jackson) and an irrational case of low self-esteem. The only treatment, I, a professional celebrity psychologist can recommend, is complete and total retreat from La La Land. ( see moderate success stories: Michael Jackson – Dubai; Whitney Houston – Atlanta).

I really believed a comeback was eminent when she Fed-Xed K-Fed; but it seems the problems with dear Brit Brit lay deeper than it seemed. Unfortunately, it seems like 2007 will not be the crowning year for Ms. Britney Spears. She needs more than just a hit album to bring her back from the edge. She needs therapy; she needs a detox; she needs to leave California all together.

I really hope Britney gets it together soon. She was so fun and cute and real. Now she has become this weird caricature of herself that I’m she barely recognizes half the time. I believe she can do it. She is a fighter and she is nice and she is still only like 25. If she puts her mind to it; she can beat this, too and come out on top; where hopefully Justin Timberlake will be waiting for her.

I'll be your Dreamgirl, boy........

Okay so I am a bit late on the hype machine. Actually that’s not true. I was first on the Dreamgirls bandwagon but I have finally seen the goods to back up my claims. Dreamgirls is the best movie ever and Jennifer Hudson is a star.

The best thing about Dreamgirls for sure is the music. Crazy black-girl hysteronics abound and I loved the sista attitude that Effie throws around like yesterday’s news. I loved it when she pretends to get all DIVA on everyone because Martin Luther King Jr. has a record out which is the recording of his famous "I have a dream" speech. Everyone is all scared of her but she is just kidding. It is too funny.

Of course, without a doubt the best part is when Effie gets kicked out of the group and dumped by her man and she sings "I’m not going." I had seen that part before, since my favourite computer techie sent me all the Jennifer Hudson solos to watch on my computer while I waited for Victoria to catch up with the rest of the world and get Dreamgirls in local theatres. And even though I have seen her sing that song like 100 times and I listen to that song on my mp3 player almost everyday, every time I hear it, I get chills. And in a big theatre, within the actual context on the real movie, I got loads of chills. The way her fingers quake when she is trying to hug her boyfriend; the way her legs are weak and she can barely walk as she is belting out this song, this song that represents all her struggles and weaknesses. It is amazing. Period. She is the best ever.

And Eddie Murphy? What? Eddie Murphy in a full 2 hour movie without cracking some kind of fart/diaper joke or donning a fat suit? ( BTW, Am I the only one who finds it kind of perverse that he is so into wearing fat suits in his movies? I’m just saying) He is so good. I mean I loved "My Girl likes to Party All the Time," but I had no idea he had all that soul in him. And maybe it’s just my doe-eyed adoration for all-things Dreamgirls, but he should really look into keeping that pompadour hairstyle going. He looks good. The pompadour is cool. Guys should wear their hair like that again. Strap a do-rag on that mofo and you are gangsta; remove and you are ready for your entrance on a Broadway musical stage.

Last and least, I suppose no exposition on the greatness of Dreamgirls can be complete without some mention of Beyonce. She was not as bad as I had expected. And in a lot of ways, her character demanded her to be mousy and bland. She did a good job of staying in the shadows as required and then coming out and taking centre stage. But even when she was centre stage she was no match for Ms. Hudson. So maybe she is eating sour grapes lately. But it must be hard to take when you are always used to being the one who receives the most accolades. ( nevermind that it’s your mom and dad managers that ochestrate it to be like that all the time). I think Beyonce did a good job. And I liked it how as she was getting more and more famous her skins was looking lighter and lighter. Very subtle.