Feeling it .. Sometimes......

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that something so little, something so slight can make me feel so much. It's the best feeling when he remembers something obscure I said in a drunken lapse. It means he cares, means he's interested, means that throughout our long ardurous non-relationship that he still is listening to me, that he's still paying attention to me, that he still wants something from me.
Me who is unwilling to give away too much, not ready to share him with every inside and out, me who spends more time thinking about what coulda, woulda, shoulda been than what actually is.... It feels so good.
Like if I actually was who I am and if I actually made an effort beyond drunken phone calls and impromptu calls when I'm in town, that may be it could actually be something real. It's weird. It's awkward and it's painfully slow.
I don't get butterflies everytime I talk to him. I don't miss him if we haven't talked in a while. And probably for the first time in a long while I don't need anything from him.
He's no Prince. Sometimes I listen to him talk and I feel that all too familiar feeling, like I'm in the smoke pit at high school and am watching for the teachers to come out and suspend us for smoking too close to the parked cars and at the same time am waiting for him to call me out for not really 'inhaling' my cigarrette.
I don't really know if anything will happen. And I'm even too preoccuppied with it.
Except when he says something so cute and considerate and surprising and funny that no one else has ever said to me.
But ya know...
It comes and goes......